1: The Homeschooled Jesus Freak
Otherwise Known As: The Homeschooler, The Innocent One, Prophet of our Time
Potential Characteristics: attended a homeschool co-op, only listens to Christian music, carries his Bible everywhere, instead of a date asks you to church, thinks he’s at college to convert people not study, thinks he is God’s favorite man but is too ‘humble’ to admit it, attends a liberal arts college, Mama’s boy, wants to be ‘different’
Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: You really believe that?
Average Length of relationship: 2 Weeks
Average Length of time to get over breakup: 2 minutes
I struggled over what to name this character, since as a Christian myself, I worry over the connotations of ‘Jesus Freak.’ But really, there is just no better way to describe him. So think of him as the better combination of DC Talk’s ‘Jesus Freak’ (don’t pretend you didn’t think that song was the shiz as a 10 year old) and your top two worst mental images of the word Jesus Freak. Give him a little credit, but a lot of caution.
Here’s how this relationship works. You usually start out as ‘just friends.’ This self-described JF will inevitably use his friend group as the browsing grounds for potential mates. He will hide behind the phrase ‘I just want to be friends’ until he is has found his prey and is ready to pounce. Your first ‘date’ will most likely be a walk around campus.
Ladies, watch out. From this relationship you will learn that any and every topic can be related back to Jesus and your moral stance. It will make your head swirl. Here’s a great example from a real life homeschooled JF that I dated. Yes.
Girl: Hey, I’m going to see that new movie about George W. Bush that just came out. Would you like to go with me?
Boy: You’re seriously going to watch that?
Boy: You’re seriously going to pay for a ticket to watch that?
Boy: Don’t you believe that abortion is wrong?
Boy: I mean isn’t that entire movie about bringing down your opinion of George Bush? And making sure you don’t support him anymore?
Girl: I mean—
Boy: You’re just giving power to the pro-choice movement by seeing that film. If you mock him, you’re just mocking what he stands for. And what he stands for is morality, and republicanism, and the right to life.
Girl: Well, it’s a political farce about his handling of the Iraq War…I’m pretty sure abortion has nothing to do with it.
Boy: Well now you’re just being a moral relativist.
Boy: If you go see that movie, you’re basically paying for someone’s abortion. You’re publically declaring that you don’t think Bush is doing a good job in office right now, and if you don’t stand by him then you don’t stand by the pro-life movement. And I just can’t be with someone who thinks that way.
Like I said, mind spinning. You will literally have no idea how you got into that conversation, let alone how you are now being accused of supporting abortion. You’ll go on a lot of group dates during this time. And you’ll get in a lot of theological arguments that unfortunately never lead to hot makeout sessions (boo). The good side of that is that you’ll be forced to think on your feet, and you’ll have a permanent store of answers for the next time you’re trapped in a theological debate.
Now, the most important person in this world to Homeschooled JF will be his mother. This is a hurdle for most of us girls. Unfortunately, that mother will always see you as the enemy. There is really no getting over this. Until the day you pop out a perfect blond-haired baby that looks just like hers on, she will doubt whether you are of any use to her son. My advice on dealing with mamma’s boys is just not to bring the topic up. And should you ever be in the same room as her, just always picture her as a pastor’s wife and your decorum will be sure to be appropriate.
Fortunately, this relationship will come to an end. And as a fair warning, 95% of the time it will be over a religious issue. So, here are some tips for you girls.
Signs this relationship is ending: “I was talking to my mom….” “How do you feel about homeschooling our…your children?” “I think God put you in my life for a reason.”
Classic Homeschooled JF break-up line: “I just can’t be your Jesus.”
Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Carry a Catechism around
Break-up song to help you get over it: Just turn on the radio to anything but the Christian station and you’ll instantly feel alive again.
2. The Overly Invested Puppy Dog
Otherwise Known As: The Stalker, The Well-Meaning One
Potential Characteristics: Health condition, lack of male friends, lack of father figure, mamma’s boy, Methodist, drinks Sprite, owns more polo shirts than a sorority girl, Velcro wallet, missing balls, stalker
Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “I can change.”
Average Length of relationship: Too long
Average Length of time to get over breakup: .2 seconds
It’s a sad, sad time to be dating in this world. I know that most of us are mourning the lack of jobs, the lack of reliable political figures, or the lack of religiosity, but let’s focus on what’s really important. The lack of men.
Now I have a tendency, it’s true, to accidentally run over people who don’t have spines (metaphorically, dipshit. I’m not running over handicap people with my car). I just can’t help it. They’re just so whiney and annoying and they never stand up for themselves. It’s so annoying. That is the OIPD in one word—spineless.
The most annoying part of dating an OIPD is just how much he’ll actually love you. His very smiles will begin to annoy you. You’ll wish he didn’t think everything you did was so perfect and cute. You’ll actually begin to purposely try to do things you would never, ever do just to piss him off. He will call you non-stop to check on where you are, but not in the overly possessive way. It’s like an unexplainable soft, overly-possessive way. Like a stalker wrapped in glitter wrapped in tulle trying to give you a lollipop way. If he calls and you’re out with your girlfriends, he won’t even be jealous. He’ll just ask if there’s anything that you guys need. More wine? A DD? A chick flick? Starbucks? Tampons?
A classic sign that you’re dating an OIPD is his high level of involvement with your friends. When you skip the cafeteria dinner, he will still sit with them. He will know their boyfriend problems, their best friend problems, and their girl drama before you do. He will be their go-to male opinion.
When you try to break up with him, he will convince you that he can change—just give him another chance! This is the most infuriating part. Because really, he doesn’t need to change. He’s perfect, just not for you. He’s romantic and cuddly and sweet, but he’s just too much sweet for you. The saddest part is when he simply won’t let you break up with him, and before you know it, you’ve been won over by his puppy dog eyes and are dating for another two weeks. Girls, if you’re in this relationship, just end it. It’s sad to watch it keep going around. Let him go be a good boyfriend to someone who will appreciate his mushy heart.
Signs this relationship is ending: Whenever one of your friends says “I’m just gonna text your boyfriend and ask him his opinion on ________. He always knows what boys are thinking!”
Classic Overly-Invested Puppy Dog break-up line: Girl, he will never break up with you, therefor he doesn’t have a classic line
Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Just end it. Quickly.
Break-up song to help you get over it: “I’m Still a Guy” by Brad Paisley
3. The Heartbreaker
Otherwise Known As: The Serious Boyfriend, The “One,” Teddy Bear
Potential Characteristics: Jock, hates mushrooms, suspiciously single, loves dogs, calls his grandparents weekly, from Ohio, history of dating girls who turn out to be lesbians, suspicious lack of enemies, rational, likes girly television shows
Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “I just want to make you happy.”
Average Length of relationship: 1 year
Average Length of time to get over breakup: 1 month for every “tradition” you shared, or ¾ the length of the relationship
Well, ladies, it’s that time. The #3 spot on the 5 assholes you’ll date in college goes to the much anticipated, always regretted: Heartbreaker. After dating some JFs and some OIPDs, you’ll finally run across him—usually at a party or on a porch while chilling with some friends. And your first thought will be: “He’s so normal!” After JFs and OIPDs, this boy is going to seem like a gift wrapped by God himself with a large blinking light. He will be sweet, but not overly sweet. Religious, but not beating himself (or yourself) with a Bible. You will be stunned by just how very normal he is after all the weird people you dated.
You’ll be in a daze. It will be everything you ever dreamed of, and every country song will suddenly apply to your life. Cloud nine will be your new residence. You will have more fights than are normal, but you won’t notice. Your girlfriends will assure you that normal couples fight, and that’s what makes your relationship grow stronger.
You’ll meet families, kiss all the time, make your first batch of cookies for a boy and even carve your first “couple’s pumpkin.” Classic signs that you’re dating a Heartbreaker is when everything either becomes a “First” or a “Tradition.” First pumpkin, first dance, first holiday, first anniversary, first 2 month anniversary, first 3 month anniversary. Hey ladies, guess what? It’s also your last 2 month anniversary. It’s both your first, and your last….so stop counting.
The “traditions” are what will kill ya. Please, for the love of God, limit your traditions. The number of TV shows you watch together, the restaurant you go to for date night every week, and every other weird couple thing you only do with each other will become a tradition. So limit them. Because when you break up, those traditions will be haunting nightmares. Personally, I think a good average is that every tradition you share amounts to one month of time to get over in the breakup. So limit them. Because I can tell you from experience, catching up on three months worth of the Kardashians, Revenge, and Community is a bitch. (Also, why would you ever trust a boy who is watching the Kardashians with you? Seriously? Take a hint. There is something real wrong here).
Anyways. Back to the story. You’ll be inseparable. You’ll talk about getting engaged. You might even actually get engaged (hopefully not). And then wham. Without warning. It will end. Sorry, hun. Most people say we all have to experience one great heartbreak in our life in order for us to appreciate real love when we find it. Whatever.
Now, I can’t tell you that my personal breakup with the Heartbreaker taught me to appreciate true love. Maybe yours will. What I can tell you, however, is that it taught me an even more important lesson that I will carry with me for the rest of my life: If a man at any point in his life has ever dated a woman who then turned into a lesbian, DO. NOT. DATE. HIM.
I like to call this “part-time lesbian problems.” Here’s the deal. Once a man has had a girl date him and then be like ‘eh, I think I like women’….there’s just no going back. He will be permanently fixed on switching her back. It’s a male pride thing, I guess. They just can’t handle that a woman would rather kiss another woman than them. And hunny, you ain’t ever gonna get over that. So just stay away from them. That will be their fixation, and nothing you do will be able to stop that. So, watch out for the part-time lesbians. Heads up: they’re usually softball players, gym teachers, or from Ohio.
Signs this relationship is ending: Sudden “depression,” “work homework,” (I’m sorry…but what job gives you homework?) or if he says he “accidentally dialed his mom’s number instead of yours”
Classic Heartbreaker break-up line: “I don’t deserve you. You’re just too good for me.”
Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Talk about your need for a promise ring
Break-up song to help you get over it: “Sail” by AWOL Nation; “Undo It” by Carrie Underwood; “Wide Awake” by Katy Perry. DO NOT LISTEN TO ADELE.
4. The Alpha Male
Otherwise Known As: The Rebound, The Hottest Guy You Know
Potential Characteristics: Frat boy, found at the gym, only eats protein powder, originally began as a rebound, good kisser, uses the phrase ‘casual monogamous relationship’ a lot, speaks multiple languages, immensely patriotic, likes Greek yogurt more than a sorority girl, has mono
Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “I don’t think we need titles to define what we have here”
Average Length of relationship: What relationship?
Average Length of time to get over breakup: What break-up?
The AM usually starts as a rebound from the Heartbreaker. Alpha Males are exactly that…very….male. Remember when we were mourning the loss of men earlier as we dated an OIPD? Well, you found one. He will work out, have an intense sense of ‘duty,’ and be overly patriotic. He will even like babies. You’re going to be freaked out.
Now, for sorority girls or girls looking to ‘casually date,’ this is your perfect option. He will always understand when you have sorority stuff to do or would rather hang out with your sisters because let’s face it, he’d rather hang out with his bros too. A classic sign you’re dating an AM is when you catch yourself actually having fun dating. You won’t be arguing about theology, you won’t be stabbing your eyes out because he follows you like a puppy dog, and you won’t be arguing. This relationship will be characterized by something even more mind-blowing then the theological example in #1: calmness.
For girls, this is the kiss of death. When something is calm, we freak out. Surely there must be a hidden fetish? A secret girlfriend? A dead body under his couch? Why is he so chill?!?!?! Ladies. Chill. Enjoy. Don’t over question.
The best thing I can tell you that comes from dating an AM is that you will learn that boys really don’t like to play games and that if they want or need something, they will straight up tell you. If they don’t want to watch that movie, they will tell you—don’t ask twice. If they are mad at you, they will tell you. If they’re silent, they’re just being silent. Sometimes, the honesty of an Alpha Male border on rude. Especially to girls, because we are just really not used to this.
Take advantage of this unique relationship to be yourself. Really. What? I know. There’s a unique aspect to this relationship that allows you this freedom. It comes from knowing this: You will never marry the alpha male. Trust me, ladies, he’s got a whole lot of villages to go plunder and terrorists to shoot before he’s ready for marriage. He is literally your knight in shining armor, but the part they don’t tell you in the fairy tales is that those knights had to go out and pillage a lot of lands to A) get rid of all that alpha male energy and B) even get that shiny armor in the first place before they were ready to swoop up their princess. But they skip that part in the fairy tales because eh, it’s boring (I’m bored already).
So back to the point. Take advantage of this! Do you know how much freedom this brings you? Ladies, it’s insane. It’s like the freedom you feel taking your bra off every night. Instant relief. You can be yourself. And, it’s baggage-free. Usually, because these relationships are short. There’s not enough time to drag out your past relationship scars, daddy/mommy/divorce issues, neurotic tendencies, and phobias. So just relax and enjoy. Rent the movies you actually want to rent, feel free to turn down his restaurant option, and eat more than salad in front of him. Ladies, dig it, it’s awesome.
But true to Alpha Male form, the break up will suck. Remember when I said they’re straight to the point? Yeah. That means that when they don’t want to see you, they just won’t answer the phone anymore. No gushy goodbye talk or last hug. It’ll just be over. So, take it for what it’s worth and don’t expect anything more. If you’re reading this right now while currently ‘dating’ an AM, that’s the best advice I can give you: don’t expect anything. Take every minute for exactly what it is.
Signs this relationship is ending: Graduation
Classic Heartbreaker break-up line: Unreturned phone call
Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Talk about your need to Define the Relationship
Break-up song to help you get over it: “Riding Solo” by Jason DeRulo
Potential Characteristics: Single, confused, female
Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “Should I buy the white wine or the red wine tonight?”
Average Length of relationship: Your entire life
Average Length of time to get over breakup: …
Embrace it. You won’t be single forever. So do what you want to do. Eat cookie dough without shame, buy yourself wine, have fun doing things that you want to do. And during this, you’re going to learn the most important lesson: every single part of you is desirable. And the right man will take and love all of it. Be comfortable with yourself, and you’ll realize how much you’re worth. You’re worth everything. You’re beautiful and smart and funny and fun.
So date yourself, and get to know yourself. Because after that, no relationship will be the same.
Be confident, and the rest will fall in line. You have all your life to date your husband and do his laundry and accept his Valentine’s day presents, but you only have a little bit to play by yourself.
You are the hero of your own story.
Signs this relationship is ending: Death
Classic Heartbreaker break-up line: —-
Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Chain smoking, incessant tanning, or skydiving without a parachute
Break-up song to help you get over it: —-