“There’s just no accoun…

Quote

“There’s just no accounting for happiness,
or the way it turns up like a prodigal
who comes back to the dust at your feet
having squandered a fortune far away.

And how can you not forgive?”

“Happiness,” by Jane Kenyon

Monogamous Mono Man

Today, I’d like to offer up a little tribute to the Monogamous Mono Man. And for all you girls who have had the misfortune of dating a MMM, I offer my sympathetic condolences.

What is a MMM, you might ask? Well, just like it sounds, it’s a man afflicted by mono who insists that you and he are in a monogamous relationship. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out that if he got mono while being “monogamous” with your mono-free self, at least one of those adjectives is false. And it’s not the mono one…

I once had the fortune of dating an MMM, and I have to say, it was fairly entertaining. My friend and I (the same one who told me I was just embarrassing enough to make everyone feel comfortable, without being embarrassing enough to be an actual embarrassment to know) had a true love for mocking MMM relentlessly. In our all-night-research-paper-writing haze, we thought of what Monogamous Mono Man might say, if given the chance. And thus was the born the ideas for what MMM might say if he had a twitter:

 

@monmonoman: I’m your worst nightmare. You must be faithful to me, but you can’t kiss me.

@monmonoman: The only thing that lasts longer than a game of monopoly: #mono.

@monmonoman: Want to make sure your ex will never forget you? Don’t be cliché, give them #mono today!

@monmonoman: When holocaust literature isn’t enough: #mono (*side note: at the same time I was dating MMM, I was also taking a French Literature World War 2 class where all we did was read books about the Holocaust…in French. There are few things worse than reading a french book and being like “ooh, that word sounds pretty…what does it mean? Oh…charbroiled human flesh. Nevermind.”)

@monmonoman: Because nothing says “I’m totally serious about being monogamous with you, baby,” like my sudden onset of #mono

@monmonoman: Every day I ask myself, what’s the difference between a monogamous mono man and a gay best friend? (*No but really, what is the difference? You can’t kiss them, but they’re great for watching a movie with and using as dates in a pinch.)

 

Here’s to you, Monogamous Mono Man, for freeing us to be in monogamous relationships where we can wear sweatpants, no makeup, and oversized t-shirts to movie nights because we are 100% certain we will never end up making out. XOXO…wait, no.

Laters, baby.

P.S. Don’t forget to check out where MMM fits into “The 5 Assholes You’ll Date In College.” 😉

P.P.S. My true life inspiration for “Top 5 Inappropriate Times to Say YOLO” came from the moment when MMM told me had mono. Nothing creates an awkward moment like responding YOLO to MONO. I like to think it’s our generation’s Marco-Polo.

 

Closing Ceremonies, or, Why Britian Fell out of Favor

If the Opening Ceremonies were designed to showcase everything Britain had brought to the world, the Closing Ceremonies were certainly designed to remind us why no one gives a shit about them anymore. 

 

I know it’s been floating around the Internet, but in case you haven’t seen it, I highly suggest you check out this website which has neatly showcased the 25 worst moments of the Closing Ceremonies. 

 

 

And yes, I realize the Olympics ended a week ago. I’m in denial, get over it. 

 

Laters, baby.