Dear crazy bitch who took my engagement ring:
Thanks for taking that piece of crazy off the market!
When she’s walking down the aisle, try not to think about when you saw her cheating on you with another girl. In your bed. It’s not a threesome if you’re not invited–but keep in mind the threesome will probably be invited to your wedding. Specify you don’t want her on your honeymoon, too. Oh, and, thanks for taking that piece of crazy off the market!
No Love, Me
Dear Red Robin,
Thanks for hosting the worst engagement of all time. Was that the first time someone has sunk low enough to get engaged while eating a burger?
Dear Sigma Chi:
For the first time, I can say I truly will miss you tonight. You were there for me when this ordeal ended, and you would be there for me now. I’ll miss your sweaty frat boy hugs, the overwhelming stench of sticky, spilled liquor, and the never ending party you would have thrown for me.
Dear Sigma Chi pledges:
I hope you learned to stop listening at closed doors. Though my conversations are pretty hilarious, I’ll give you that. Don’t worry, one day you’ll have enough drama to have closed doors too. That’s what happens when you go to a school of 1,000 people for four years. I hope you’re still making right-angle turns in the library and wearing the worst combination of bow ties and plaid shirts.
Thanks for providing the perfect song to play while writing this post. Love, Me
Thanks for putting it all in perspective by simply responding with “Someone sure was watching over you!”
Love, your daughter
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