Bachelor Wk 4: Recap

When Sean thinks watching girls play roller derby will help him find a wife

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America’s Secret Drug War: Killing Us Softly

Yeah, it’s an intense title. Because this is an intense topic.

This drug war isn’t on cocaine, or meth, or ecstasy, or heroine. It doesn’t come from Columbia, or Mexico, or Vietnam. The drug that’s secretly killing our American youth? The real “gateway” drug? The real addiction that affects 80% of females?

Bad boys.

Yes, ladies, it’s time to face it. And talk about it. Because America’s biggest problem isn’t the drug war in Mexico or Obama’s plan for medicare, it’s American females’ addiction to dating assholes. I guarantee dating an asshole is more of a gateway drug than marijuana has ever been. It probably leads to marijuana use, 6 out of 10 times. And obamacare.

We’re standing at a party, and a nice, nice boy comes up and talks to us, and who are we paying attention to? Not that boy. The asshole over his shoulder who has been stringing us along all night? Yeah, that boy. That’s the boy we devote our time and energy to in constantly worrying, analyzing, and planning how to first get his attention and then second convert him from a bad boy to a good boy.

So why are American women obsessed with bad boys? I’m not sure I’d even point to the media on this one (though they did give us Chuck Bass). I think it stems from the new message young girls are receiving that now they can have everything. More and more, our young women are growing up to pursue the challenge. The challenge of beating their peers in sports, intramurals, ACT scores, college acceptance letters, number of best friends, number of boyfriends, number of Saturday night plans. We teach them that the glass wall is no longer there, and now they can have everything. And better yet, if they don’t have everything, they’re nothing. No longer is it acceptable to just be a career woman or a stay-at-home mom. Now, you have to do both. And if you don’t do both…well, why not? You can have it all, and since you can, you better go get it. Get it for your mother and your grandmother and your great-grandmother, who never had the chance. That’s what we’re teaching.

Young women get hooked on the adrenaline thrill or the chase, and have become the new men. They simply like the challenge. They want the asshole. Because they’ve conquered everything else. They’ve flown past their friends, gotten into their colleges, their sororities, and their internships. But there’s only one last thing they haven’t gotten–the asshole standing at the bar.

But once they’ve tried it, what keeps them perpetually making the same mistake over and over? Well, ladies and gents, that’s when biology kicks in. The underlying motherly instinct kicks in full force and we just can’t help but want to save them and coddle them and protect them and even reprimand them for their poor choices.

It’s just like drugs. You take the first hit for the initial thrill, challenge, social appeal. But you take the second, the third, and the fourth because you just can’t help but do it over and over. You’re addicted, you want to prove them wrong, and you want to conquer the world. But ultimately, it conquers you.

Ladies, just say no. Bowing out of the game is the only way to ultimately win.

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Monogamous Mono Man

Today, I’d like to offer up a little tribute to the Monogamous Mono Man. And for all you girls who have had the misfortune of dating a MMM, I offer my sympathetic condolences.

What is a MMM, you might ask? Well, just like it sounds, it’s a man afflicted by mono who insists that you and he are in a monogamous relationship. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out that if he got mono while being “monogamous” with your mono-free self, at least one of those adjectives is false. And it’s not the mono one…

I once had the fortune of dating an MMM, and I have to say, it was fairly entertaining. My friend and I (the same one who told me I was just embarrassing enough to make everyone feel comfortable, without being embarrassing enough to be an actual embarrassment to know) had a true love for mocking MMM relentlessly. In our all-night-research-paper-writing haze, we thought of what Monogamous Mono Man might say, if given the chance. And thus was the born the ideas for what MMM might say if he had a twitter:

 

@monmonoman: I’m your worst nightmare. You must be faithful to me, but you can’t kiss me.

@monmonoman: The only thing that lasts longer than a game of monopoly: #mono.

@monmonoman: Want to make sure your ex will never forget you? Don’t be cliché, give them #mono today!

@monmonoman: When holocaust literature isn’t enough: #mono (*side note: at the same time I was dating MMM, I was also taking a French Literature World War 2 class where all we did was read books about the Holocaust…in French. There are few things worse than reading a french book and being like “ooh, that word sounds pretty…what does it mean? Oh…charbroiled human flesh. Nevermind.”)

@monmonoman: Because nothing says “I’m totally serious about being monogamous with you, baby,” like my sudden onset of #mono

@monmonoman: Every day I ask myself, what’s the difference between a monogamous mono man and a gay best friend? (*No but really, what is the difference? You can’t kiss them, but they’re great for watching a movie with and using as dates in a pinch.)

 

Here’s to you, Monogamous Mono Man, for freeing us to be in monogamous relationships where we can wear sweatpants, no makeup, and oversized t-shirts to movie nights because we are 100% certain we will never end up making out. XOXO…wait, no.

Laters, baby.

P.S. Don’t forget to check out where MMM fits into “The 5 Assholes You’ll Date In College.” 😉

P.P.S. My true life inspiration for “Top 5 Inappropriate Times to Say YOLO” came from the moment when MMM told me had mono. Nothing creates an awkward moment like responding YOLO to MONO. I like to think it’s our generation’s Marco-Polo.