Monogamous Mono Man

Today, I’d like to offer up a little tribute to the Monogamous Mono Man. And for all you girls who have had the misfortune of dating a MMM, I offer my sympathetic condolences.

What is a MMM, you might ask? Well, just like it sounds, it’s a man afflicted by mono who insists that you and he are in a monogamous relationship. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out that if he got mono while being “monogamous” with your mono-free self, at least one of those adjectives is false. And it’s not the mono one…

I once had the fortune of dating an MMM, and I have to say, it was fairly entertaining. My friend and I (the same one who told me I was just embarrassing enough to make everyone feel comfortable, without being embarrassing enough to be an actual embarrassment to know) had a true love for mocking MMM relentlessly. In our all-night-research-paper-writing haze, we thought of what Monogamous Mono Man might say, if given the chance. And thus was the born the ideas for what MMM might say if he had a twitter:


@monmonoman: I’m your worst nightmare. You must be faithful to me, but you can’t kiss me.

@monmonoman: The only thing that lasts longer than a game of monopoly: #mono.

@monmonoman: Want to make sure your ex will never forget you? Don’t be cliché, give them #mono today!

@monmonoman: When holocaust literature isn’t enough: #mono (*side note: at the same time I was dating MMM, I was also taking a French Literature World War 2 class where all we did was read books about the Holocaust…in French. There are few things worse than reading a french book and being like “ooh, that word sounds pretty…what does it mean? Oh…charbroiled human flesh. Nevermind.”)

@monmonoman: Because nothing says “I’m totally serious about being monogamous with you, baby,” like my sudden onset of #mono

@monmonoman: Every day I ask myself, what’s the difference between a monogamous mono man and a gay best friend? (*No but really, what is the difference? You can’t kiss them, but they’re great for watching a movie with and using as dates in a pinch.)


Here’s to you, Monogamous Mono Man, for freeing us to be in monogamous relationships where we can wear sweatpants, no makeup, and oversized t-shirts to movie nights because we are 100% certain we will never end up making out. XOXO…wait, no.

Laters, baby.

P.S. Don’t forget to check out where MMM fits into “The 5 Assholes You’ll Date In College.” 😉

P.P.S. My true life inspiration for “Top 5 Inappropriate Times to Say YOLO” came from the moment when MMM told me had mono. Nothing creates an awkward moment like responding YOLO to MONO. I like to think it’s our generation’s Marco-Polo.